Valentine’s Day and all the expectations that come with it can make you feel like you should be having all kinds of passionate and adventurous sex with your partner. But the reality is it can be pretty difficult to keep things fizzing, especially if you both have busy lives.

Instead of worrying about reaching some unrealistic ideal in the bedroom, why not try making a few simple changes? You may be surprised by how developing a few positive habits in your relationship can really put the spark back into things.

As a Sex Therapist I help lots of couples who say they feel like they’ve got stuck in the same routine and need help reconnecting. So here are my top tips to a better sex life:

• Let’s get… verbal. Sometimes, communicating about our sexual needs is as important as the act itself. Try talking about sex at a time completely separate to actually having it. Discuss what you like, what you don’t and what you’d like to try. That way, you can experiment when it’s time to get down to business.

• Don’t always go ‘all the way’. People sometimes avoid kissing or touching because they’re worried it’ll mean their partner will want to have sex and they won’t quite feel up to it. Don’t worry about having to go ‘all the way’ every time. Get into the habit of being casually physical. Try kissing passionately before going to work, massaging on a Friday night or just generally being playful and tactile. Building sensuality into your day to day life will help you to maintain a strong and loving physical connection.

• Initiate sex in new and different ways. How you initiate sex can make the difference between a new and exciting sensual experience and, well, business as usual. Get things off to an interesting start by trying out something new. Surprise your partner with spontaneous sex (within limits of course!), try starting with a massage or read an erotic novel together and act out the parts. You might find that initiating things in an unexpected or interesting way means you discover all new ways of enjoying each other.

• Relocation, Relocation, Relocation. It’s an old classic – but for a reason! Many couples find that having sex somewhere different is a simple change that can make a big difference. If you’ve fallen into a routine with your partner, try switching the setting. It doesn’t have to be anywhere particularly crazy – after all, it’s a little chilly to be getting frisky in the garden shed at the moment. Maybe try bringing a duvet into the living room or booking a weekend at a hotel.

• Anticipation, enjoyment, recollection. Sex isn’t just about the act itself. It can be about the anticipation and the recollection too. So build up tension beforehand by talking about what you’d like to do – and chat afterwards about what you enjoyed and what you’d like to do again. You don’t even have to be in the same room: try sending sexy texts throughout the day or leaving notes around the house.

Want to find out more?

Looking for more ideas on spicing up your sex life? Or want to talk to someone about sex?

• Find out more about Sex Therapy and what it involves.
• Get help dealing with common sexual problems.
• Book an appointment with a Sex Therapist in your area.