Magic five

Award winning marital therapist, researcher and author Dr John Gottman made a key observation of couples who stayed together – that they have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in their relationships.

A positive interaction might be a thoughtful action, asking questions, showing empathy, a kind word, a hug, a gift, a shared joke, a romantic gesture. And a negative interaction could be a criticism, a disagreement, hurt feelings, anger and hostility etc.

Gottman uses this ‘Magic Relationship Ratio’ to predict couples who will go the distance and who will divorce. He noticed that unhappy couples have higher negative to positive interactions and over time this slowly eroded the love between them.

Daily diet

Gottman says the balance is not equal because negative interactions hold a stronger emotional charge and have more power to damage your relationship than positive interactions have the power to heal.

So to keep your relationship healthy, make sure that for every one negative interaction you have with your partner, make up for it with five positive interactions to keep you in credit.

As long as you have five times as many good interactions with your partner as bad interactions, your relationship will be more able to withstand your rockier patches and be more stable overall.

Getting your five a day

I often see couples in therapy who have been focusing so hard on their problems that the joy and happiness seems to have disappeared from their relationship and they have become problem saturated.

Their positive to negative ratio count is dangerously low and this is putting their relationship into a very vulnerable state and they often feel they are at crisis point.

If this sounds familiar, my suggestion would be to try to park your differences for a while and put your focus back on building up some positive credit in their bank.

By that I mean go out and have some fun together. Plan a romantic date or just make some time to connect with each other. Up the positive interaction count so you remember why you are together, what you love about each other and make your relationship one that’s worth fighting for.

Perhaps you need a bit of help working on your negative interactions? It can really help to be able to park your problems in the counseling room while you work on having fun together, so don’t hesitate to contact me for more support.

Conflict is healthy

Gottman also believes that the one negative interaction is just as important as the five positive in this ratio because conflict and arguments are also necessary to keep our relationships healthy and honest.

Couples who never argue or complain aren’t doing themselves any favors, as conflict avoidance is not the answer either.

If you’ve got something you want to talk to your partner about it, it’s healthier to express what’s on your mind. That doesn’t mean bringing up every little thing – just not bottling up your emotions unecessarily.

If you find it hard to discuss things openly, you might like to read my communication tips.